I'm often asked:
How different is a Swingler than a regular night at THE HOUSE?
The following answers are from our Swingler community:
One BIG difference: It's not heteronormative! Sex happens with all genders in all combinations.
First, swinging is a form of ethical nonmonogamy in which partners engage in group sex or sex with other people's partners, commonly in a communal setting.
Kink is a collective term for fetishists, practitioners of BDSM and other smaller niches. It may or may not cross over into sexual play.
The interests are incredibly diverse, but encompass anything that is not about standard vanilla sex:
Sensation
Fetishes
Power Exchange
Identity Play
Sex
So, at a swing event, you might see sex in a multitude of ways (although it's usually strictly heteronormative, except for the bi ladies...), in kink, you may not ever see sex, depending on the event.
You might see (and probably will at the Swingler):
Spanking
Tying with Rope
Sex
Puppy Play
Humiliation/Degradation
Fetish play (rubber, leather, heels)
And so on.
Tying with Rope
Sex
Puppy Play
Humiliation/Degradation
Fetish play (rubber, leather, heels)
And so on.
Also, swingers and kinksters tend to clash over our models of consent.
Both in their ideal formats consider consent important. However, how they do consent tends to be different.
To simplify it...
Swinging: Yes until No.
Kink: No until Yes.
To expand on that, in most swinging spaces, it's assumed that you have a base level of consent being given, and you can often expect to be touched until/unless you say "No" clearly.
In kink spaces, it's assumed that you do not want to touch or be touched unless you say "Yes" clearly and explicitly.
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A couple of examples:
My partner and I attended THE HOUSE for an event, and ended up in one of the cabins with a small group. I knew everyone (had met and chatted that evening) except one man who was brought in by another lady.
We were all having a good time, that man was engaged with the other lady for a while, but then he started putting his dick near my face. And kept doing it until I literally took my mouth off another man's cock and said, "GET YOUR DICK OUT MY FACE!"
We were all having a good time, that man was engaged with the other lady for a while, but then he started putting his dick near my face. And kept doing it until I literally took my mouth off another man's cock and said, "GET YOUR DICK OUT MY FACE!"
That is an assumed yes until I clearly said no.
It's not WRONG (although he was persistent and did not read obvious signals that I had no interest in the dick he was offering my face), just different from how we practice consent in kink.
It's not WRONG (although he was persistent and did not read obvious signals that I had no interest in the dick he was offering my face), just different from how we practice consent in kink.
In kink spaces, unless we have prior and ongoing consent from people, we get consent (ask) before hugging. Or patting an ass. Or putting our goodie bits in someone's face. So, when I meet someone new, I'll often spread my arms, and ask "are you a hugger?" then let them come in for the hug, rather than assuming they want to be touched by me.
In fact, we do have a few people who attend who do not like to be touched by most people, and we honor that.
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Kink is also as a whole MUCH more open to non-heteronormative identity expression and play.
In swinging, something as simple as man-on-man play is...while not actually banned in most spaces...discouraged. While bi women abound.
In most kink spaces, especially ones that are sex-positive, you can expect to see a wide variety of sexual combinations and gender expressions.
In most kink spaces, especially ones that are sex-positive, you can expect to see a wide variety of sexual combinations and gender expressions.
We treat and address each person as they choose, asking if we are not sure (some people change pronouns depending on their mode of dress or mood, others choose one set for every situation), because to us, it's not about how someone was labeled by society, but about how they see themselves and how they wish to be seen by us.
That's what. have off the top of my head.
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And I want to add that although I keep saying things like:
Kink is also as a whole MUCH more open to non-heteronormative identity expression and play.
Kink is also as a whole MUCH more open to non-heteronormative identity expression and play.
I think it's important to note that we don't REQUIRE it.
Again, consent matters.
Again, consent matters.
Some people prefer queer partners or partners within the rainbow alliance.
I do. The flexibility of connections and sex are not attached to one gender for me, and since I like to share, I prefer my deeply intimate partners to be more flexible, too...
All we ask is that whatever YOUR sexual and gender choices are that you allow others theirs with grace (even better—with joy!).
I do not allow shaming or negative behavior towards anyone's gender or sexual identities in the spaces I run (Mingler, Swingler, etc).
That is the bottom line. *smiles*
I have a friend who regularly attends The HOUSE events, and can say that, while it's very sex positive, it's also very picky about what sex it's positive about.
Like Nookie mentioned, male on male? No go. It's also not very queer-friendly. The gendered pricing is, to me, absurd.
The Swingler is queer friendly as so much of our community is queer, and there's a pricing system simply based on if you're new or not. If you're not, congrats! $30. If you are? $45. Vs if you're perceived female it's $30, and male $45. As a trans masc agender person, I would probably still get slotted the $30 because I don't present very masculine.
I’ve attended regular swinger parties at the house and a couple of swinger parties at the house. There are a number of differences:
- the first and primary difference that Nookie pointed out is that their normal parties are quite heteronormative. This is not unique to just the house, this is often the vibe of many swinger parties. The Swingler parties are very queer friendly and welcoming
- gender inclusivity is another major difference. The majority of attendees at their regular parties are mostly cis male and cis female presenting persons.
- another difference is that the House’s other parties are (for the most part) open to the general public. Meaning that anyone can kind of show up, and you don’t always quite know who will be attending. From what I remember, attendees can rsvp on sites like SLS, but it isn’t always a clear way of knowing who will be there
- this is kind of in conjunction with my last point, but in my opinion Swingler parties are more of community events. I state this for the fact that a good number of attendees to Swingler parties do know/know of other attendees. Additionally, the requirement to be a part of the Mingler Discord for a minimum of two weeks prior to the party provides an opportunity for people to interact with each other, make plans, and conduct vetting. I personally find it to feel more comfortable to be at a party with other people that I already know or have had some interaction with. At the regular parties it’s often strangers that you are meeting and interacting with, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but is not everyone’s cup of tea.
- there are some facets to swinging, the common ones that you will see at the regular parties at the House are voyeurism, exhibitionism, group sex/swapping. There is no overt pressure to engage in sexual play at their regular parties, but that is generally the only play that will be taking place. I absolutely love that the Swingler parties are sex positive, but there are so so so many other types of play and interactions that attendees engage in.
I’m sure there are a number of other differences differences between the parties, but those are the ones that I can currently think of.
I don’t want to come across as bashing the House, I have attended the regular parties there and have met some really wonderful people and engaged in fun play. But, I fully understand that they are not the space for everyone.
It’s really awesome that they make the space available for the Mingler to host these parties and I look forward to more Swinglers in the future.
I'd like to add that there is a difference between the Friday night "Female Fantasy Night" with up to 35 single men and 35 women/couples, and the Saturday events which are up to 40 couples and 5 single women.
Aside from all the issues/heteronormativity with that and the gendered pricing, the Friday nights and Saturday nights have different feels to them.
People are expected to be respectful and not touch unless asked, but like nookie said, people push it. Multiple times I've been in the red room (where you can't close the door) because I've wanted to play with someone and it's the only bed not being used, and on Fridays, especially towards the end of the night (when the cis guys are getting more desperate) , there will be several cis men with their dicks out, inching towards the play, hoping they'll be accepted into the scene.
While walking around, I haven't been touched without my consent, but the leering itself can be a little off-putting.
Saturdays are more relaxed because it's just couples (pretty much exclusively heterosexual couples) who tend to be less pushy because they are already going home with each other (and they also may just be there to observe.)
It’s very different. I can just echo what is mentioned in here.. I also think it can be very overwhelming on reg house fri nights.. there just so many people .. I think with swingler events we mostly know .. seen… or chatted with most people going. Only been to 2 swingler nights and it was a blast. Maybe ill get a slot to this one since work gave me the night off!
I hope this gives you a feel for what you might be able to expect at a Swingler. If you have any questions, please use our contact form.